0. yellow light
"Go to sleep, Edward", you mumble, he’s breathing on your face and you’re tired, he’s still up even though it must be over one in the night already.
"Can’t", he whines, his eyelashes flutter and you smile just a little.
"Do you want me to sing to you?" you ask and he shakes his head, his body radiating warmth in the cold winter night, and you wrap your arm around him.
"Just hold me, please".
and you do.
- keep on breathing -
- the buildings are ash on the ground, the sky is falling and it’s raining blood, trip and stumble no time to fall, come on -
- let go, let go letgoletgoletgo -
- warm hand and hair falling on eyes can’t see -
- bodies on streets and -
- I’m here
"John-" he screams, blonde hair dyed red with blood that’s not his own and eyes shining with tears and you -
"I’m here", you shout, he spins around and runs, the clapclapclap of his shoes on the asphalt and sobs echoing in the air and you -
"I thought I lost you, oh my god don’t ever leave me again", he cries and it breaks your heart all over again and you wrap your arm around him as soon as he’s close enough, bury your face into his hair as he cries into your chest.
You have no idea what’s happening, the sky is red just like the streets and he sounds like he’s drowning and you -
"Breathe, sweetheart, breathe.." you say, try to sound soothing, thread your fingers through his damp hair and he does, takes deep, shaky breaths and falls against you and you -
"John, I’m scared, I’m so scared - John" -
you’re just as scared as he is.
iii. little talks
the buildings are ash on the ground, and you have no idea what has happened, there was no sound no warning just bodies on streets and blood and smooth ground -
edward found a cave, it’s actually the basement of a house but you don’t care, there’s a tree partly on top of it, perfect because you need to hide (from what?) and he keeps close to you with silent tears streaming down his face -
and you stare at a dot on the wall, wait for the death there’s bound to be sooner or later, there’s no food no water you’re both going to die and you can’t do anything -
"john john john john don’t leave me -"
"i’m right here -"
"but you’re not, you can’t give up, i need you -"
he kisses you.
iv. two breaths walking
The first time you kissed was when he was eleven, sick and bored.
He was lying in his bed, shifting impatiently while you were doing your homework, his face the picture of misery. You remember him being a martyr even then, drama queen and all that, but he was your brother and best friend whatsoever, and when he asked you to kiss him goodnight -
And haven’t stopped since then.
He never kissed you, however, it was always you and you only, and only when he gave you the permission, his breath smells like mint and Edward and
- he’s kissing you.
In the dirty basement smelling like wet asphalt and blood and his eyes are closed and you want to close yours too, but his eyelashes are long and tickling your cheeks and his eyelids flutter, and you can’t understand how good it feels.
He’s your little brother and he’s perfect and you can’t, can’t can’t can’t but his hand is on your jaw and you find yourself kissing back.
v. love love love
You’re lying in the basement, your back is aching but his head is resting on your stomach and he’s sleeping soundly. You try to count the stars but can’t see any. The sky is deep red, there’s no clouds and he whines quietly in his sleep.
Your hand finds his hair before you even realize it, he leans into the touch and your heart swells, it feels too tight but he’s there, he’s there and so are you, you’re both still alive when no-one else is,
and you’re so thankful it hurts.
vii. off to races
He’s there when you wake up.
His head on your chest, your legs tangled in between and around his and he’s sleeping, tear tracks on his cheeks and his mouth slightly open, and you shatter, he picks up the pieces and glues them together, kisses it all better and you don’t know what’s worse, the end or the beginning, he’s breathing quickly and -
He whispers into your mouth, breathes into your ear, “I need you, please, John-” and he’s against the wall, back slamming against the cement, body against you, his breathing in your ears heart limbs all around you, his hair on your cheek tickles and you kiss him.
He has his fingers in your hair, hips moving and you gasp, the air is thick and he’s desperate, you bite down on his neck and he whimpers, he’s your brother and best friend and soulmate and he’s your everything and you’re going to die, you both, drown in the pale blue lights,
he opens his eyes and they’re dark, you swallow your pride and beg, his hand finds the waistband of your jeans the same time you do his, fingers slipping inside and he cries out into your mouth when you wrap your fingers around him, swap his hand away and look straight into his eyes, he whimpers quietly and you don’t have time to feel guilty.
It’s over faster than you wanted, he’s screaming and crying and grasping at your arms so hard you know there will be bruises later, he falls into your open arms and kisses you lazily, sweet and soft and barely there,
and when he falls asleep that night with his head on your chest you’re still not sure what to think.
And when you lie in the basement two weeks later and he gives his hand for you to hold and you’re just that bit too tired to really grasp it -
the sun is a black hole on the red sky, and you mumble something about travelling to the sun, and he nods, gives you a watery smile and is so strong, strong, strong -
he kisses you, soft and slow, you don’t know which tears are his and which yours, you don’t care, he’s kissing you and your head is on his lap and you feel so safe, his fingers in your hair and he whispers something in your ear -
and you know that in the next life you’ll wonder what it was but right now it’s enough to know that he cares enough to be there for you -
"I love you"
- and the world fades.
0. born to die
His first word was John.
You feel guilty sometimes because yours was “mom”, and sometimes you’re afraid he thinks you don’t love him as much as he loves him, but that’s impossible - it’s impossible for Edward to love you more than you love him.
You tell that to him one day, confess all the fears creeping under the surface and he holds you close, kisses the top of your head and shushes you.
"It’s okay", he says, holds you tighter and you know he’s sincere, you let out a small watery chuckle and wrap your legs around his, he giggles into your ear and it’s okay, you know it’s okay - it has to be okay.
Later, when bullies in school and haters when you’re famous tell you how disgusting faggots you are, he shrugs it all off and becomes even more touchy-feely, and you don’t get it, and honestly, you’re just trying to protect him when you push him away, and he never cries, never asks and it makes you so guilty but you don’t know what to do -
and he shushes you at nights when you’re supposed to be sleeping already but stayed up reading fan letters instead, you cry and he doesn’t, because he’s stronger and you don’t get it, he’s your little brother -
and in the end, it all comes down to that.
Because one day you open your eyes and it’s warm, summer-ish, and you can’t see him, you’re laying down and the sun is the same color as his eyes, sea green, and you almost cry, but you get up instead, wander down the hill and yes, he’s there.
He’s running, his bare feet disappear in the high grass and flowers down the knee and you almost shout, but he’s catching butterflies and he looks so young, the vulnerable expression in his eyes, and he laughs as one of the pale blue butterflies land on his arm, and he turns around to look in your eyes.
His grin is so big you’re afraid his face is going to break, but there’s glimmer in his eyes as he places his words carefully, as usually in a way that’s so very Edward,
"Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you forever."